The Flop Chart: Jessie J

Busty St.Clair here, presenting the first edition of what i hope will become a weekly tradition on WereNotHereForThat. This tradition is called 'The Flop Chart' and i will be uploading it every Saturday night at around 10pm in the hopes of snatching as many wigs as possible and showing Stan's of basic bitches everywhere to dump their favs like Britney dumps her kids and focus on a more successful act, that's if delusion hasn't already claimed them...

Basically, 'The Flop Chart' is a way of gauging a modern pop start in terms of success. Taking into consideration various different little attributes ,SPANKY, Jordy and Myself shall be rating a specific pop/rock star weekly, calculating our scores and then working out just where on the soon to be infamous FlopChart these Flops/Divas sit. This weeks unfortunate specimen is...

JESSIE J

Since we are still trying to get our shit together this week i had to pick a candidate myself and decide for myself just where this... thing sits on our now holy chart. The results are as follows...

As you can see, Jessie J has been ranked in the 'Basic Bitch' category. This is down to a number of reasons which you can read below. Also, to all Jessie's fucking tragically basic stans (Heartbeats? Didn't Annie call her fans that like, 5 years ago? ) please don't read any further as i would hate to shake your basic little existence...

1) Her singles are simply terrible. 'Do it like a Dude' is the ONLY good single she has released. 'Price Tag' was an abomination and don't even get me started on 'Nobodies Perfect', id rather listen to Lil Kim talking about how successful her next paypal mixtape is gonna be than listen to that...

2) I'm not here for singles artists. If your gonna flop, flop well sis. Don't do well on one front and allow the other to fade into antiquity like Kim Kardashians self respect after the self released 'Home movie'

3) I'm not here for artists who rely on rap features from a flop rap artist to try and get a radio hit. If you can't plug your song without remixing/getting a rapper on it, then its NOT good enough to be a single.

4) 51 percent on Metacritic is considered a success for Katy Perry, but for the next big thing which is gonna save music? Umm.... i think not

All of those reasons above are why i am NOT here for Jessie J. I will admit she is talented and has a very powerful voice, but until she has the material to back it up then you will NOT catch me stanning for Jessie J.

Bai gorls... hope you enjoyed my review. If not, then stay pressed and - sadly - you just gonna have to...